Loading...What do you call people who give unnecessary free advice? In India we call them elders.
This is an essay that caused a lot of grief on Sulekha.
Warning! This article is not for the easily offended.
Click here to read the same article on Sulekha.
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When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again." - Comedian Rodney Dangerfield
I got no respect when I was young. Growing up an angry, rebellious, Indian, only child, I've often wondered if 'respecting elders' is a timeless Indian value to be preserved and passed on to future generations or a useless artifact of the past that must be completely dropped. Who first came up with this concept? It is hard to imagine that this person could have been a youngster. It had to be an autocratic egotistical 'elder'. Most probably it was a 'he' in our male dominated society.
Quite likely that this was a person past his prime. He was desperately clinging to straws to impose his authority on someone younger. This was a person with a self-esteem problem. The 'age card' was the only weapon left in this person's arsenal. If you have had an Indian upbringing like me, you need not search hard to find this person in your family, quite possibly your immediate family. This is a person who deserves to be shunned until he learns humility. Shipping this person off to Florida is also a viable alternative.
It is true that oftentimes, particularly in the west, seniors are not given enough voice or dignity. Horror stories abound of grown children forcing their aged parents out of a house, a house that belonged to the latter. Insurance companies and unscrupulous sales people have mercilessly taken advantage of defenseless old people by threats, false claims or even forging signatures. It is indeed the duty of younger citizens of the free world to prevent these horrific things from happening to the elderly. There have been notable cases of senior abuse in homes, hospitals and the workplace. Age discrimination unfortunately is still an existing evil in the corporate world today. There is little doubt that seniors are a valuable part of families and corporations and their wisdom and experience are invaluable to moving humanity itself forward. Human dignity and respect is every person's birthright.
Respect is part of our Indian heritage. The great epics, Ramayana and Mahabharata speak of valiant heroes and role models who were willing to forsake kingdoms, families or sometimes, even life, if it meant honoring or respecting of their parents. These heroic stories are told to elevate nobility in today's youth.
But then, what is this nobility in today's time? Is it noble to give up on your true love because your parents forbade it? Several of my friends have fallen prey to this phony nobility. Is it noble to abandon your life's calling and settle for the family business, not because you want to, but out of fear that you will let down the ones you love? A la Michael Corleone in the 'Godfather'. Are we masquerading cowardice in the name of nobility?
Many of us groomed in India are afraid to stand up to elders and question what we believe to be wrong. It is as if lightning would strike you down when you choose to question the laws laid out by those older than you. Let's examine respect and wisdom.
Respect the wise, they say. What is wisdom? Do elders always know how to do things right? Unfortunately, some pretend (and probably believe) that they do. Is it only age that breeds knowledge and maturity? Well, Bill Gates made his first million at 21. Boris Becker won the men's Wimbledon title at 16.
I know of no millionaire or Wimbledon tennis champ from my homeland that was so young. Some in the older generation must take the blame for this. Even after all these years, 'You are too young for that. Listen to me . Obey me. I am older than you,' is a mantra that echoes in my ears! Blind obedience to another does not show respect nor is it a sign of wisdom. It only shows the absence of a spine.
Several among us have suppressed rage and frustration caused by some authoritarian, autocratic loud-mouthed Nazi 'elder' who put us down or insulted us just because he or she was older. Many of us still carry these hurtful feelings and low self-esteem inside us. (It was my angry inner child that forced me to write this article.) Let's face it. Few of us are so spiritually advanced to turn the other cheek and forgive such injustice. Instead, let's put our anger to good use by ending this cycle of mindless conformity and low self-esteem that still permeates our society.
It is my humble plea to the older generation that they refrain from offering unsolicited advice on things they cannot comprehend. Treat those younger than you with courtesy. Aren't today's youth the rulers of tomorrow? They surely need your respect
So whom does a young adult believe in? An astute 'young' Swami Vivekananda once proclaimed that a person who does not believe in himself is an atheist. Indeed we must trust our abilities and ourselves more than we trust others (even elders). This is the highest ideal that we can inculcate in future generations. As the old Chinese proverb goes, 'He who knows and knows he knows is wise.'
Zen wisdom tells us that we, adults have no parents. The therapist and the elder are both struggling individuals like us. Experience is one of our greatest teachers. Let's step into this world as brave men and women, unafraid to make mistakes and unafraid to hear an elder say, “See, I told you not to.”
By no means am I proposing that we turn a deaf ear to everyone else. Now, where does a young adult find good advice? One 'western' self-help author wrote that if you want to get something, you ask someone who already has got it. I remember the famous lines in 'The War of the Roses': 'If a person who earns $500 an hour gives you a half-hour of his time, you better listen.'
Another adage says that good advice is never free and free advice is never good. Truer words have not been spoken. It is indeed a matter of common sense that only the one with results can give the best advice. (Even if 'the one' is a jerk.) When my grandmother offered academic advice, I asked her for her qualifications. She went ballistic. How dare I question her authority! (By the way, I still love her. May she rest in peace.) Often the ones who really know are the ones that impart the least advice.
And what is this thing called respect? Respect is not conformity. Respect is not blind obedience. Respect is tolerance. Respect is not fear. Respect is self-expression. Respect is true friendship. (Especially with the older generation.) Respect is not guilt. Respect is never about fulfilling an obligation. Do not use respect as an excuse to hide that fear.
Do not follow someone just because he or she is older. Age does not guarantee wisdom. (Stones and asses grow old too.) Elders are humans too. Place them on a pedestal and you will risk injury to yourself. Treat them as you would treat anyone else -- as equals.
When in doubt about the quality of advice you receive, boldly question the credibility of the advisor. Stand up to those who force upon you, a point of view you disagree with. You are smarter than you think. You will certainly earn your respect that way!
Remember that you will live with yourself longer than you will live with anyone else. Your subconscious will never let you forget your own acts of cowardice. Respect the humble. Listen to yourself first and then listen to the one with results. (Use your wisdom to discriminate between the two depending upon the situation.) Respect is treating everyone with dignity. I mean everyone. Respect the ones who respect you. Listen to the one with the results. Reward the rest with indifference.
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